Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
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I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
i haven’t exaggerated in like a million years
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
Whenever I get up my cat gets up too and then yells at me like it’s my fault she decided we have to do this together
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
people who take naps are the real heroes out there, it takes courage to wake up twice in a day.