Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.

“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.

[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees

I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary

“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for

[robbing a bank]

Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go

Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit

Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.

I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”

Then when people ask me what it means…

Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”

Doctor: “…Oops.”

*slowly turns chart rightside up*

This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font

no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.

therapist: what’s your earliest memory?

me: crying for my mom

therapist: so around what, five?

me: nine this morning

A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.

Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.

Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you

*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper

*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*

me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*

*At the ouija board*

Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…

Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G

I logged on to Amazon and they said that they have run out of things that I don’t need.

Looking forward to Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck getting back together again in 2044.

I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest

I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.

you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”

*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead

The pigeons are plotting to overthrow the government. It will start with a coo.

Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down

I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do

Why it’s so many prime days?

They broke ?

Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.

Coach: Ice cream! My treat

Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?

Coach: My treat