Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
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“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on