Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
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10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
A lot of people think that the funniest people are actually the most depressed on the inside but I have a comedian friend who’s pretty depressed and he’s one of the worst comedians I know
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
Meow
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
