Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
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I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
Just been made aware of the fact that some people are unironically referring to the General Election as the Jenny Lec and, I’ll be honest, I’m not coping too well with this awful information.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
Don’t we all.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
If you read one of my posts and get mad that it doesn’t apply to your specific personal experience, you should know that I did it on purpose. I considered every possible experience and reaction and left yours out. I work against you from the shadows and will continue doing so.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
[walking past my neighbor cleaning up all his yard skeletons the day after halloween] holy fucking shit what happened here
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.