Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
You Might Also Like
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
AWWWW 😍
This is way better than “Live, Laugh, Love.”
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
I finally gave up telling my Boomer mum there’s no fine for not rewinding the movie after watching it anymore… Netflix have people who do that after you go to bed, mum!
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
We gave my child a wallet with a single dollar bill to play with. She now has three dollars. I don’t know where the other two came from. Help.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.