Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
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I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
You might just have to resign…
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
They should combine the running of the bulls with tour de France next year.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway