Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
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Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Dating app for hypochondriacs called Twinge.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
describing stardew valley
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
🤣🤣
There should be a product swap booth on the way into Costco, you can bring the massive package of snacks that your kid used to like and exchange it for the huge box of snacks that some other kid has rejected
What if the weather talks about us?
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95