Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.

Leaving an open jar of mayo on my desk in case anyone needs a hit

[firing squad]
Any last requests?

“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”

Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE

*gunshots*

I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?

[limbo contest]

Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog

Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.

I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.

A Short Story.

Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.

PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.

I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.

*unscrews green bulb from porch light*

Ok, I’m done.

Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups

Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”

*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*

I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.

Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary

Cop on other side: what is he doing

[Giving directions in America]

Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th

[Directions in England]

Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest

Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.

“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”

Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.

with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”

im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus

Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.

If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.

*after sex

No, you cannot sleep over.

Husband:

I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause

Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.

Breakfast for Stoners:

If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.

Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.

Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…

Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?

Date: uhh

Bruce: my regular normal carmobile