@ericsshadow

ME: I play for the Philadelphia Eagles.

HER: What position do u play?

ME: I’m a *thinks back to the only game I watched* wide-retriever.

You Might Also Like

@iwearaonesie

my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?

@thechrisschmidt

I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.

@CoryBooker

“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!

@mrjohndarby

Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?

Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can

@Schmoodles

Stabbed myself in the eye with a yellow pen and now everything looks all Instagramy.

@TheTweetOfGod

“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.

@OakHill_

My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.

She has spoken more words today than I did in December.

@XplodingUnicorn

I love strapping my kids into their car seats.

It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.

@iamspacegirl

“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”