You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
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Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.