Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
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[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
oh, you’re in a situationship?
are you the one with commitment issues or the one with low self worth?
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
“get a life”? have you seen some of the lives out there?
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
Idk what’s worse about today’s meeting, nearly falling asleep on camera or realizing 3/4 of the way through that I had a pimple patch on my face 😂🤦🏼♀️
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a