Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You get: 1 hour of extra sleep

You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm

*first date*

Him: So, I’m a youth minister.

Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.

I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.

Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?

Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.

Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.

This story is comedy gold 😂

I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?

If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him

This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.

My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.

“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”

Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?

Siri: I’m not sure I understand

Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.

[During a baby shower]

Me: Ooh I caught one

Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another

[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that

[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]

Me: hold on I gotta take this

Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:

*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*

Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!

Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.

Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.

So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.

[mysterious British man rescues me]

Me: How?

Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.

When I retire I’m going to run from office.

Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:

I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.

You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*

*dressed a toddler

Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.

I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck