Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
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Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
Regional Manager added me to the wrong Slack channel at work. There were discussions on overlooking 3 certain people for promotions & ideas on how to get them fired, because they were in a union. Long story short, I’m the regional manager now and the 3 people got their promotions
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?