Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.

You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.

Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?

Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty

sigh

If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…

ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards

JUDGE: no can do

Wrote a song and it goes a little something like this… Who put maple syrup on the caaaaat?

Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start

Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him

Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.

fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!

Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)

I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!

Took me years to rebuild friendships.

No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.

Certainly wasn’t me.

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.

“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair

Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.

…u ok Nintendo?

Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!

Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.

If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.

Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.

Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?

The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.

When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.

People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.

Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”

Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*

Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*

Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!

However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.

Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’

Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”