Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at

Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…

Yep, now he’s looking

Tried to steal some candy from a baby.

I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me

They lied about how easy that was.

“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”

Exactly

“What?”

It’s inflation

“I hate you”

Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.

I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing

You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do

The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.

me: can i buy animal crossing

mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free

There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.

Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud

advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them

I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.

When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.

Once a year there is a public event at my old job that I dress in cosplay for and walk around incognito taking pictures of everything that looks terrible to send to my old coworkers.

Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious

Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.

“I hate confrontation”

“No, you don’t”

All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today

ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?

THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?

Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8

Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset

put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.

Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins

Me: i’m taking a plane Linda

[listening to twenty one pilots]

ME: ok ok one at a time

Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.

– me as a marriage counselor

Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.

my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon

I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream

things i’ve picked my teeth with:

– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grass

things i’ve never picked my teeth with:

– toothpick

“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police

[art store]

You do free framing?

“With any purchase”

Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do