Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

getting a divorce to pursue my true passion: collecting alimony

Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze

Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off

“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”

– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want

People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.

My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.

She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.

I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another

I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.

adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that

microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update

FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?

ME: doesn’t ring a bell

[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”

That’s a stray gerbil.

“And those fish??”

…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM

Not only do I turn down my radio to find a house or a parking spot, but I also take off my sunglasses to hear someone better.

How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl

My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”

I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.

Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie

“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day

Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.

A Lunar Eclipse that Flat-Earthers have never seen.

Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.

Me: Put on your seatbelt.

13: Do I have to?

Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield

13: cool

Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!

Most women need a little reassurance.

Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.

Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose

[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*

I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you

To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.

(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.

Twitter action film:

MAN 1: Follow me.

MAN 2: On Twitter?

MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.

MAN 2: On Twitter?

“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist

“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor

Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…

Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”

Me: *typing on laptop*

My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*

Me: Aww. So sweet.

My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*

Me: Or not.