Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.

Person: Are you on the conference call?

Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?

BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”

BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”

Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”

told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card

I can understand why chickens wake up and scream

My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”

Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps

My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.

Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”

what do you want to eat?

what are you in the mood for?

I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.

How do you make a cat stand completely still?
Press paws.

According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.

Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?

Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.

I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…

… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.

oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“

*Standing in my shower*

I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.

I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”

Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.

HULK WANT LOAN

Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.

GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*

Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.

Yes Pony Express?

I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?

If you’re going end up on an episode of Dateline, make sure you’re the killer

Me: Babe, I got carded today!

Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.

*washing motorcycle with my shirt off

*cops show up

Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle

I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?

“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out

SON: What will happen when I die?

DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?

SON: YA-

DAD: You’re not a dog.

4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?

Me: A million.

4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?

Me: Must’ve been an earthquake

*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in

The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.