Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.

BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…

ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?

6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?

Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…

6: you’ll never find me!

Me: *goes back to sleep*

I finally confronted the person that’s eating all my snacks at home, bro had the nerve to hide in the bathroom mirror.

Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name

[being taken hostage]

*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest

Failed Pickup Lines:

“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”

If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?

Yoga pants.

Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.

Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?

HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture

CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that

lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”

An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze

Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…

COUPLE: “We’re trying for a baby”
OWNER OF HOOPLA STAND: “You know that’s just a doll, right?”

Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.

Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”

DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him

ME: cool

[later]

TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?

ME: yeah

TREE: cool just checkin

heard that the average person swallows eight spiders in their sleep a year
rookie numbers
my personal best was 49 back in ’11
the secret? look for and eat the spiders while you’re awake
no one ever thinks of that

All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.

Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.

I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.

you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato

I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.

*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse

Elsa: LET IT GO!

Mugger: LET IT GO!

Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!

Mugger: LET IT GO!

Elsa: LET IT GO!

My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*

The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.

If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.

Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.

~Me to me

[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”