Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
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my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Sure sex is great, but have you found an awesome clean washroom when you desperately had to pee?
Today seems like as good a day as any to start drinking some of these 99 beers on the wall
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Blocking someone isn’t enough; I want them to step in water with their socks on.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats