Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
You Might Also Like
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
every youtube essay now is called “the secret, untold history of toothpaste” then proceeds to read off the wikipedia page for toothpaste
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
mandolin: finally a violin for men
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.