Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
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[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
We have a leprosy outbreak in central Florida and the experts are telling people not to eat armadillos. Just in case you were wondering how it’s going down here…
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
My husband had a coworker who entered his baby in the local fair’s baby competition a while ago and I think they just make up superlatives for all of the babies because his won “sturdiest baby”
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
I have worked as a chef for over twenty years, and I can confirm that the “correct” way to cook scrambled eggs is whichever way makes you happy.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Monday?
No. Next question.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails