me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
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All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Banderslack Clamberdorch
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-