Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now

Where’s a careening bus when you need it?

Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father

“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”

-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other

On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”

Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.

So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.

Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?

Me: no

Therapist: no come on, they must have

Your neck. There’s an axe for that.

*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.

The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves

Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?

Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him

Son: So he’s like 100 years old?

I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.

police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor

Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop

Pajamas are so cute. Like, let me go put on a little outfit to be unconscious.

If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to

Me: What you gotta buy from Target?

Her: Target will tell me when I get there

If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.

HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes

ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree

I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong

When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.

Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.

Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.

Me : Correct.

Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.

Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.

Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???

Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha

Noah: [door lock noise]

choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb

i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once

Introverted vegans go meetless