Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
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The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
“You’ve made your bed, now lie in it”
Me: Don’t threaten me with a good time
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
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This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
HELP 😭
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Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.