Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mine in this week’s New Yorker

In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.

God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!

Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha

God *creates birds*

[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”

4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.

Me: See that guy right there? I met him in the 6th grade.

10: When there were dinosaurs?

Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE

Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?

Dad: Well it’s in my blood

This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.

Inspiration twitter:

“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”

Also inspiration twitter:

“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”

what are they serving at kfc then???

Life is different in Christian frats:

“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”

“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”

*fist bump*

[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly

As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.

Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!

-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets

Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.

😆

Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…

Me: what a great place to bury a body!

[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter

the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear

Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits

I asked my grandma if she had a hard time moving to nyc from Poland as a teen & going to hs in bk knowing 0 English, & if ppl didn’t wanna be friends w her, etc. & she held my shoulder & looked me in the eyes & said, Austyn. I was gorgeous. Everyone wanted to be my friend

I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.

if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins

Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?

Me: Bed Bath & Beyond

Wife: You used a coupon right?

Me: Coupon?

*wife faints*

BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.

The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.

I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say

I’ve been lied to my entire life

You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean

*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*

some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.

but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.