Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.

I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.

The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off

My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.

Very weird.

Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”

{4 way stop}

Aliens: *radioing home base* We really need to give up on this planet

[therapy session]

THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park

ME: nuh uh

My dad told us with complete confidence and authority that cake batter was dangerous to kids but not adults and we watched him lick the beaters for *years* before questioning how exactly that worked.

My 1st grader is home sick today and this morning I caught him trying to cough directly onto his older brother.

I asked why he did that and he said it’s because he loves him and thinks he deserves a day off of school too.

*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*

“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

Happy Mother’s Day

#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.

Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.

Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?

So they could…..Scan da Navy in!

[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body

[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood

[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.

If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.

I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.

OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!

-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.

I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.

Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee

Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok

[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks

[first phone call]

Watson: hello

Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?

Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing

Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what

HIM: Are you mad at me?

ME: No.

HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.

ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.

I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.

THERAPIST: In healthy relationships, couples aren’t afraid to ask questions in the bedroom

ME (having sex): babe what’s the capital of azerbaijan?

Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.

Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”

Me: “Efficient.”

Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.

In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.