Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)

me: why’d you pull me over?

cop: I think you know why

me: it’s my eyes isn’t it

cop: …

me: *sigh* they’re hazel

cop: so mysterious

2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.

Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…

[Interview]

Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!

Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.

(Inventing bathroom stalls)

Guy: should the door touch the ground

Other guy: how would we see their shoes?

An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.

My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.

My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.

HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.

Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”

Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?

me: Pop the champagne

you: Yay! What are we celebrating?

me: what

Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.

This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.

Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.

[broken down by the side of the road]

ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.

ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe

HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy

PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed

[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]

Me: Can we talk about salary?

Boss: Not if you want to keep your job

NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike

[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]

PATIENT: *Opens one eye*

Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime

Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight

* heats water for tea in the microwave *

* delights at the reactions from purists *

This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.

I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.

It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter

This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.

[in hell]

Me: omg is that melted cheese

Satan: no it’s lav-

Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot

Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?

Priest: Absolutely not

i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.

Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.

Priest: Murder, my child?

Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.

Priest: *gasp*

Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules