Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos

One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.

I miss third grade.

HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.

ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.

<- sleeps well with others

okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?

*room chuckles*

*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith

5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.

I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings

The problem with parental controls is I need my kid to help me figure out how to set them up

On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep

guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music

Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.

*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*

*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*

pfft… I could do it in 8

There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.

Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.

The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants

Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok

[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf

My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.

DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared

I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.

Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?

Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!

Me: Pretty good, yours?

Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?

Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?

never forget

This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋

Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…

…it’s just me, taking the stairs

Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor

Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?

Me: …dog?

(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide

My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.

I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.