Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
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I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
Nice to have free crisps in the hotel room and these look definitely fit for Consumption.
Tell the colonel to bring it
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
The fastest mammal on earth is me when I’m retweeting your typo tweet.
I’m not saying my kid is lying about reading his homework book, but he does seem to think the character is called Wee Willy Wonka
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
[me, a people pleaser]: “no doctor that’s okay, whatever type of blood you have is fine”
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards