Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That’s incredible! 👌

Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.

Shit.

I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.

If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.

My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.

As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”

“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it

Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*

[invasion]

*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?

If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.

Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt

My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be

I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.

Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown

Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.

3yo: *ear-shattering screams*

Me: Good point. How many do you want?

can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock

*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”

If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”

sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?

You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.

ME: this mask should give me the best protection

SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95

It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.

How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?

I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”

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To the person trying to hack my account, I’ve just been sent this verification code: 928377.

Hope that helps.

You want me to pay attention to the details? The thing the devil is in?

Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.

My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.