Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?

*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn

Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”

I’m so out of shape, I bring my phone to the mailbox in case I need an Uber to get back.

Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.

Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH

Me: lmao go ahead I can take it

Townspeople: you have a dumb face

Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it

The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.

At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.

The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.

This is an absolute shit investment.

Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.

I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.

Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”

Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*

Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.

I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.

You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.

Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.

Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.

Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.

When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”

What’s Ticketmaster’s favourite Christmas song?

Fleeced Navidad

#GoldCrackers

“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood

I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.

Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?

*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*

Everyone naked?

this is the most cat thing ive ever seen

My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.

Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..

Now I just smell like shit

Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.

i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere

Coffee is cheaper than bail

Starbucks – You sure about that?

they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis

[social gathering]

guy: wow, you work in an ER?

me: yep

guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?

me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit

If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.