Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.

my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked

i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience

Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.

haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in

Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done

[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?

ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?

Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.

Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.

This is war. The Boys tv show stole my joke about a TSA agent named Pat Magroin

My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”

Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.

“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats

Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.

I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.

Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.

Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.

One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”

Me: I’d like the French dip

Waiter: Au jus?

Me: No, Catholic

Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.

I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.

How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?

*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*

Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!

I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.

Can I come inside the house?

Me: No

Why do you treat me like a doormat?

Me: You ARE a doormat

Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!

[bedtime]

me: babe we forgot to lock the door

him: not it

murderer under the bed: not it

me: fine I’ve got it

The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.

Me: *Being strip searched*

Cop: The dancing really is not necessary