ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
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I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
when I write a work email so good I go into Sent and admire my work
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
oh good, now I can stop drinking
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”