ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
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[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel