Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.

INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?

ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?

I: About the job

M: What is the company Wi-fi password?

Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number

People: What the

Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.

I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess

My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.

I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.

So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No

* 3 days later watching TV

OMG u rearranged the living room

– Men

Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.

cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller

detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today

What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight

*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.

friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks

me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no

When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.

Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.

When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”

JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body

JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood

JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat

Dolly Parton wrote Jolene and I Will Always Love You on the same day. Today I put a wash on, walked the dog and I’m now making tea. That’s three things. Your move country girl, your move.

Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security

Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?

Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.

No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother

My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.

God: How’s it going on Earth

Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream

God: Send a flood. Send several floods

Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband

Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?

Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis

Priest: that’s not really-

Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”

Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this

I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.

We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.

Spam caller said “love you byeee” before hanging up.
Didn’t get a chance to say, “but wait, do you really mean that?”

no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed

8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*

Me: Why do you look so angry?

8: I was getting my picture taken.

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Expectation:
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Reality:
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/ >🍕 for energy

[30 mins later]
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(´･ω･)
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(人＿＿つ_つ