Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.

[Valentine’s Day]

Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?

Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?

You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”

Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately

Me: Really?

5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for

Me: omg

[dinner party]

*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*

Muppet Screams

The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.

OH. COME. ON.

I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.

No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.

I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.

Dear ladies,

if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.

Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible

Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo

Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.

I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.

CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing

Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.

Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?

Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.

you could hypothetically power a vehicle using a strong enough hot dog gun

Dress for the job you want to sleep at

oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory

Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*

Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*

[plot twist] ur buried vertically

i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it

“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”

— Polite vampires.

*Hits Rock Bottom*

Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.

My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.

He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.