Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
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Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Gentle reminder to take a brief moment to close your eyes, take a deep belly breath, and gently stroke your chin to find all the prickly whiskers you missed last time you plucked.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
bias laundering edition
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.