Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.

Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…

You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.

“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.

“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee

Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.

Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?

An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.

i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it

fr

*eulogy*

Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo

Me: dad always hated my banjo

M: whew

Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now

A baby bear catches snowflakes.

Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.

All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income

All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.

I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.

*cold day in hell

Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?

I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.

The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.

Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.

As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.

WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know

Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you

I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.

Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.

police: put ur hands behind ur back

me: are u mad at me

The French really did the “this is fine” meme.

1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*

rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator

Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.

I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.