Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You had me at “define legal”.

If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…

What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?

Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.

Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.

Sub-Zero: You first.

Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.

As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled

Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!

Also me: Not like that!

Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.

My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder

*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*

[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter

I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?

You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working

Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.

UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.

Imagine if food was sports

No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.

My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.

I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!

Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.

Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.

Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)

Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*

It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.

Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.

Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.

Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits

as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.

as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.

Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it

One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again

when i was on a menswear forum, a n00b claimed his shoes were handwelted, so an older forum member bought a pair of the shoes for $400, ripped them apart, and proved they were not handwelted, thus triggering a series of events that brought down a shoe factory in italy

Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”