me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
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Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
Me: Send pics
Her: What do you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Her: What?
Me
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.