me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
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There should be a Jaws sequel where the shark finally gets arrested for his crimes and goes to jail.
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
181.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
stirring up shit at the wedding by going up to random people and saying “i think it’s so brave that you’re here”
So annoying that in order to meet new people you need to go out and meet new people. Ideally I would have known you in a past life
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents