me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
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[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
Otters see a butterfly.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.