me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
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when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
If you’re the owner of a feathered chicken suit and you’ve never gotten naked and put it on inside out, get ready for a memorable night.
What about a To-Don’t List?
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Wife: Don’t leave knives out near the kitchen door. What if a burglar broke in and used it?
Me *patiently explains why this is ridiculous*[later]
Me *being stabbed to death by burglar using our kitchen knife* “please dont! Use something else! Anything else!”
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
there is no greater joy than helping to make a friend’s dream come true
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
So sick of all these stupid rules
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.