me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
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Went to the spa* this morning!
*Opened my dishwasher during the drying cycle
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
When you accidentally speak your mind in the company meeting
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Legend 🤣🤣
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
#SailorMoon ain’t got nothing on…
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.