Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.

Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER

If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?

If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.

Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*

Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.

Me: But-

Wife: Everyone.

Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*

Me at 7pm:
lol what’s this, a reality show about the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, I bet that’s so dumb

Me at 11pm:
IF KAYLEIGH-ANNE TIGHTENS UP THOSE JUMP-SPLITS SHE’S A SHOO-IN FOR 3RD GROUP LEADER

I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.

Receptionist: the doctor can see you now

invisible man who’s also blind: who said that

receptionist: who said that

I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.

Oh…wrong toilets.

I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.

Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade

I just released my own fragrance.

Now everyone in the car is pissed off.

Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white panties

Me: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…

Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them

*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*

[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.

I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.

This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.

I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.

Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you

The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false

Our dog is a bulldog/beagle/pug mix and I’ve just discovered that all this time, my youngest and most confused child has thought he was a “baldeagle/pug” mix.

6yo: Newton discovered gravy

Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.

6yo: what’s that?

Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space

6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy

My ex’s were all super hot

I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling

*pronounces injury like lingerie*

Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?

Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?

Me: I don’t have air conditioning.

Friend: How do you stay cool?

Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*

Friend: Holy shit.