me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
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[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
Babe, I need $1000 to buy some crypto. This guy at the bowling alley explained how it works.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
I don’t have a welcome mat at my front door bc I’m not a liar.
Meow
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
A short story of betrayal:
