Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep

[dropping my bf off at the airport]

Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much

Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!

Me: wait wha-

Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!

“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”

I am a genie. I grant you three wi—

Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!

Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?

Sigh, women are so demanding..

If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.

Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.

Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:

5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!

Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.

Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.

(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)

[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.

Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.

Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.

Her: While you’re just laying there?

what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for

I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip

“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”

Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL

I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?

Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔

People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.

Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.

Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?

People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.

Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks

Larry (a garden gnome):

Me: oh my god you’re so handsome

Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess

why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime

But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.

My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.

“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”

Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?

*me in a horror movie*

me: a knife? HA

killer: [pauses confused]

me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA

k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]

Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.

I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.

It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!