Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf

Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.

Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.

Because that child would not be OK today.

all the leaves are brown

and this guy is greg

The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…

…unless it’s 3am…

…and it’s coming from your roof.

You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.

The next time someone does one of those ‘write a 3 word horror story’ competitions, I’m going to enter this picture.

Me: *flirts*

Anyone watching:

[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme

I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.

Voting for coroner

Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.

My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc

Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.

[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark

*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*

Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434

Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0

If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.

Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.

Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.

The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.

I saw a guy biking in a park pulling his kid in a chariot behind him and I’ve never been more jealous of a toddler in my life.

The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!

*first day in prison orientation*

Warden: Are there any questions?

Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?

Warden: …

Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!

I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.

papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers

little cloud: *tinkling over desert*

papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!

I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?

“Google Glass”

I know what glass is, Catherine.

Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”

look, a three-day weekend once a month is all i ask. the rest can be four-day weekends