Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.

Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.

Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge

You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.

What is the deal with airplane food?

Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.

if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams

the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us

I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.

Thanks YouTube

Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”

Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”

alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔

Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting

Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle

Friend: Don’t you mean angel?

M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180

GOD: They scared enough?

ANGEL: Not yet

GOD: You got Trump running?

ANGEL: Yup

GOD: Hurricane?

ANGEL: Yup

GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.

Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish

Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.

“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”

And then?

“Cheese.”

Mmmm and then?

“You close the door from outside.”

Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat

My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.

When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”

Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!

Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.

sailors wish they could swear like me

me: I’d like to withdraw 100K

banker: from which account

me: like whoever has the most

Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.

I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.

Are these grass-fed oranges?

I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”

Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.

I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.

*sigh

He’s never gonna let me down.

Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news

*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*

*Buys Magic 8 Ball*

*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.

Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now

Woman: Okay but still, what the hell

Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror