ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
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the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
problems i need
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
this is not ok. they turnt him into ice crims 💔💔
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.