Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.

If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.

Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.

my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”

one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”

Me: I’ll never get married again!

Husband:

If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.

If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.

Person: *wearing cargo shorts*

Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.

king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils

*knights murmuring*

sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty

That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt

– first person to cook a potato

“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”

~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad

me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.

No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.

Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.

It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.

Putting up my, “Hell yeah you can trespass, I love when people do that,” sign.

pressed play on ‘moana’ on disney plus and they hit me with a trailer for ‘moana 2.’ pissin me off. now i know moana doesn’t die in ‘moana’

[Creating Humans]

God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.

Angels: Why?

God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.

Angels: Lololol.

God: I hope they call it a funny bone.

QUESTIONNAIRE

Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] No

X

Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.

Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”

Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.

Me: Super size it!
Pharmacist: No.

My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.

i don’t think it’ll all fit in there

Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up

Son: I want to be a dinosaur

Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.

Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president

*octopus goes in for a palm reading*

Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”

Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well

Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby