Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
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Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
Them: what book would you take to a deserted island?
Me: idk, “the idiots guide to survival”
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
“I’ve recently come into some money.”
*winks and hands over the few dollars I made at my garage sale to the bank teller to deposit into my account*
why would tinder want me to say this
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
i love modern commerce
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
As a tree surgeon, the hardest part of my job is explaining to a patient they’ll never walk again.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again