Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan![]()
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I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
All the good Liam Neeson jokes are Taken.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to school😂😂😂he thought that shit was over
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
Quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not working
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
THERAPIST: In healthy relationships, couples aren’t afraid to ask questions in the bedroom
ME (having sex): babe what’s the capital of azerbaijan?
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.