Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
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My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
Abandoned amusement parks are so creepy.. it’s no wonder they were abandoned
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
I made my wife sign a prenup because there was no way I was going to let her take half of my golden girls memorabilia collection.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?