Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
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My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
*Into hospital bathroom emergency intercom*: um, someone put the toilet roll on backwards
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
This meal prepping shit is easy
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
Not sure how it’s happened but my phone has started autocorrecting ‘thinking’ to ‘honking’ which has dramatically undermined about 90% of texts I’ve sent recently
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
