Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have Facebook like reflexes.

“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”

*throws a book and hits you right in the face*

The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.

Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.

Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.

Halloween decorations are expensive. Ghosts will re-decorate your house for free 👻

I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.

This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.

I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath

Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell

Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?

Me: Well vampires don’t exis-

Boy: Can you beat a black hole?

Me: A black hole is-

Boy: A rhino?

Me: The thi-

Boy: A T-Rex?

Me: Wel-

Boy: Mike’s dad?

Me: Yes.

911: 911

Me: I’m being chased

911: in your car?

Me: no in theirs

911: wh—

Me: how do I turn the sirens on?

a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin

[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.

I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.

My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.

Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot

Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car

Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something

I wish gyms had a “montage” option

ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??

ME: yeah, totally

[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]

ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Can you hear my chips?

Fun Fact

The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!

Every day Stephen King and I both:

1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet

Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.

God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?

Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.

God: *Starts giggling*

Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?

God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*

Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..

God: And you cant speak.

[Incoherent bird noise]

WIFE: Please stop.

ME: Stop what?

WIFE: Singing in the shower.

ME: What’s the big deal?

WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.

Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.

Me: that’s riddikulus lol.

Wife:

Me:

Wife:

Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.

Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark

my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing

The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…

the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE