Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way

Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery

I need to go to jail for about 18 months to catch up on all my reading.

whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work

when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so

Everyone younger than me is an idiot. Everyone older than me has lost their mind.

Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.

Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.

Daughter:

satan: welcome to hell

me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?

s: yup all you can read!

m: wow!

s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?

me, nervously: yes..why?

*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*

m: aw hell

Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug

Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.

[Sporting goods store]

Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out

4: “Can I say fuh?”

Me: “Don’t…”

4: “Can I say king?!”

Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”

This is hilarious….

I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.

He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”

“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff

*my obituary*

Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.

As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now

Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body

wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35

I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.

Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??

Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.

i’m so old i’m almost back in style

[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned

Do they award purple hearts for injuries playing* laser tag?

Asking for a friend.

* Dropping the gun on your foot while putting on your vest.

life is over at 7. no more endless playtime, no more baby food, forced to go to school, and you cant even throw tantrums anymore. at that point you should just give up

In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:

1) Going on vacation

2) Taking my family

How many vultures circling you is good luck?

Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.

Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.