Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.

Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail

Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies

5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.

wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him

me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six

puppy: holy shit

A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.

“So basically, they’ll either be able to go back 10 seconds by tapping this one, or about an hour and a half by pressing this one and leaving it for over 0.3 of a second”

“Anything in between?”

“Nope”

[Standing ovation]

“Rewind” department meeting at streaming service HQ.

I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation

Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.

Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.

dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling

Hate when the person sitting next to me on the subway notices me shamelessly reading their texts and starts tilting it out of my view like c’mon lemme have a lil read it’s just me c’mon who am I gonna tell it’s only me

If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.

[Call from cell company]

We can give you 15 gigs for $100

Me: Excellent!

*Puts the band back together

My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.

I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.

My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.

Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.

No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.

I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.

[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions

[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”

I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷‍♀️

An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.

When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”

I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”

Shut your racist asses up.

Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.

Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?

– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.

Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”

agent: may i please have your account number

me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times

agent: sorry about that

me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer

agent: ideally, yes

me:

agent: may i please have your account number

Seems legit.