Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.

Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too

Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*

80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.

*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.

How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha

The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems

A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.

If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?

BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?

FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it

*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.

#Caturday

Halloween decorations are expensive. Ghosts will re-decorate your house for free 👻

babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu

[First day of jury duty]

*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?

I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.

My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?

Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.

Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident

Me: say no more

[Later]

Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet

My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up

Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.

dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone

Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.

Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.

God: *frowns*

Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.

When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.

If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.

No more questions until my mom gets here

-Me to HR

Her: “Is that you in your avi?”

Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”

The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.