Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?

Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em

Breaking news:

Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.

who can I pay to hit me in the head with a baseball bat so I go into a coma for exactly 2 weeks and one day

At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.

Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are

I was walking past a farm and a sign said: “Duck, eggs!”

I thought: “That’s an unnecessary comma.” – then it hit me.

I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.

BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT

I like big buts.

I can not lie.

“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.

Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.

Me: How much do I owe?

Gov’t: You have to figure that out.

Me: I just pay what I want?

Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.

Me: What if I get it wrong?

Gov’t: You go to prison

a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees

When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.

[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s

*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*

Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.

I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.

See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….

The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.

I can’t stop thinking about this shirt

I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.

When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.

I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure

TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.

*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*

[pediatricians office]

8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!

Me: Please don’t say it like that.

Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.

Me: Ironman

Wife: Get out!

My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.

Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”

Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.

god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…