@UncleDuke1969

Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?

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@MacAnnabella

Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.

@TheTweetOfGod

Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.

@better_off_dad

Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.

I’m not even sorry…

@Rollinintheseat

I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.

@SeriesCam

if i must be murdered, my one request is that you leave my body propped up in a spinning chair faced away from the door so that whoever finds me will gently tap my shoulder and cause the chair to turn and theatrically reveal my corpse while thunder rolls above

@sageboggs

My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you

@2tonbug

Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro

@daemonic3

Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes

@ambamthankyamam

Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…