Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
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“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”