Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
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Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
I challenged a man who left his shopping trolley in the adjoining space and he replied “someone else will move it” before walking away. He was right, I did – and attached it to his driver’s side door with a cable tie
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
5 days of cooking sausages lol I love this story
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
if I was a priest I’d make my side of the confession booth really big so I could run around
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05