Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.

I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.

You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.

You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.

*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*

I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense

Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?

~people

Welcome

My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up

got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff

Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.

My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.

“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”

“What’s that Sarge?”

“Someone’s building a pig.”

Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.

A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.

[debate]

ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not

Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.

[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out

Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”

Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”

Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.

Me: Clive? What’s he done?

Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-

Me: What is going on?

Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.

“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”

“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”

hamburger doesn’t need your help.

Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.

there is asparagus
in my hairagus

and I don’t

caragus

“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.

The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.

Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals

*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.

bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?

Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees