Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
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A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Before I check out of a hotel, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
The honesty is refreshing
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.