Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
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Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
If you are talking on the phone at the grocery store and it is interesting, then I get to follow you and we will shop together.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
Apologies to our waitress Amy who said to my dad, “wanna box for the leftovers?” and he replied, “no, but I’ll wrestle you for them” hope we tipped enough
When you don’t understand how floors work
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
I’m steeping a pot of lavender mint tea, whilst higher than a pterodactyl’s pee pee,
and I love this for me.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.