Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.

4-year-old trying pop rocks:

I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth

Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.

gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse

-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-

To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me

My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.

Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.

Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob bee

Mason bee: just make house
Me: build a way b

Honey bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortment

Bumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*

Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U

It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.

dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician

Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.

Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun

Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.

*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*

Imma get shredded!

Goes to the cheese aisle.

“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”

– my best friend and the whitest man I know

Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.

Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”

Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:

I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller

She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.

I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.

Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.

You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.

I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.

Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.

Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.

Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?

Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.

I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.

My friend asked if I had any spare cash to pay for his straw.
Unfortunately l hadn’t got the bale money

Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday

What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?

pirahna: my tooth is killing me

dentist:

pirahna: way in the back

dentist: how are u even out of water

“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.

No, I don’t think I will.