Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths

Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire

My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.

Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.

[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13

For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.

So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.

Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS

The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.

She mouthed “thank you.”

Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.

Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake

Me: I’m pregnant

Him: oh no

Me: with emotion

Him: oh, whew

Me: because there’s a baby inside me

restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then

just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism

[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”

Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend

Me: The doctor?

Her: He never comes over anymore

Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird

toddler: daddy do you like this book?

me: no

toddler: *snuggles in* perfect

Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…

[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot

*4yo son, crying*

I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?

*sigh*

Parenting is hard.

[robbing Whole Foods]

“All the cash in a bag NOW!”

100% organic reusable bag ok?

“Yes!”

[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag

“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”

If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow

Happy Taco Tuesday

[Planning Rustic Vacation]

Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?

Her: What’s the difference?

M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.

H: I meant in price.

[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy

Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.

Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices

Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger

Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…

…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.

*does Basic Instinct leg cross*

*remembers I’m wearing jeans*

Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.

CW: My phone says 81.

Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.