Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
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My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything