Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
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I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Mouse
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Okay so this is wild. I’m using this ticket machine in Japan and it malfunctions and doesn’t give me my change.
Suddenly, a panel in the wall opens in the wall and a guy appears and tells me to hold on and then gives me my change.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what