me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
You Might Also Like
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Teslas don’t have “New Car” smell…
They have an Elon Musk.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
How broken is your spirit?
Me: Imagine a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow