me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
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Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
My phone is so dry I haven’t even gotten a text from a politician
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Seems a bit forward
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
are americans worse off?
in 2012, j crew’s bowery chino cost $79.50. today, the giant chino is $98. that’s a ~23% increase in price but 800% more chino.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
I made some soup yesterday entirely from ingredients extracted from the atmosphere…
It was a broth of fresh air!🤭😁
Why are clothes so expensive? It should not cost this much to not be naked. As a matter of fact, people should be paying me not to be naked.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats