People who argue Hillary is crooked; boy have I got news for you on the rest of the government
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
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he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
Saw my neighbor in a peeing contest with his dog on his porch.
My mum said there’d be days like this but she never said there’d be so many.
Best coffee I ever had was the one that stayed on my bumper for 7 miles
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
“How’s your day going?”
Women are like, “no I’m not mad”
*sets your car on fire*
Nope not mad
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.