@WhaJoTalkinBout

me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*

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@Home_Halfway

People who argue Hillary is crooked; boy have I got news for you on the rest of the government

@Kauaibride

he said he adored my imperfections.

and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????

@jwoodham

Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.

@JB4Realz

HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)

@aecide

Saw my neighbor in a peeing contest with his dog on his porch.

My mum said there’d be days like this but she never said there’d be so many.

@ThomasSowell

“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”

@lovemyboots111

Women are like, “no I’m not mad”

*sets your car on fire*

Nope not mad

@PetrickSara

[Married Pillow Talk]

Husband: Tell me what you want.

Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.