them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
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2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Her: Will I see you again?
*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Me: It was nice meeting you.