Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
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Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
Murderers are so stupid. Stop writing manifestos you idiots.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
My husband and I take turns unloading the dishwasher, but I usually rerun it or pretend it’s his turn. He does the same, so basically, the dishwasher hasn’t been unloaded in three years.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
I love being an adult and sitting absolutely still and suddenly I’ve hurt my neck somehow
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
I know
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS