Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
You Might Also Like
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
i have never been so disappointed in all of my life
First thing I do when I move into a new apartment is buy a drum set
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
english majors be like furthermore
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
🔦🌙👣
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.