Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
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The key to being remembered isn’t delivering some big all encompassing piece of wisdom, my grandpa taught me that pinching the tail of a shrimp helps you get all the meat out and now he briefly lives again each time I go shrimp mode (happens a lot)
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
What do you text your spouse?
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
What’s the name of that drink? “The Will Smith”?
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)