Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

December birthdays be like…

Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.

You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.

ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL

“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer

Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.

I like to record the results and statistics of female tennis players.

I do this on a Steffi Graph.

Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…

[Later]

Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food

Pot warmers of the day.

How long do you have to wait between naps?

I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.

Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know

The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.

(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia

I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.

[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down

the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage

[on deathbed]

“Tell my Wif… *cough*”

Yes? Tell her what?

“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”

[dies]

Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!

Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that

I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic

Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”

*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”

You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud

i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks

I hired a PR team.

They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.

I executed the PR team.

Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.

[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*

[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.

The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.

Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.

10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.